And, She Smiles...

And so, wraps a tough week. Remember the picture of my car being towed? It's going to the auto graveyard. And, with that, stability has been pulled out from under my feet, and I wander in restless dread.

I've never bought a car before - I've always bought hand-me-downs. But nobody has a car this time. Now, for the first time, I'm having to decide between buying, leasing, fixing.... All with money I don't possess, payments I can't afford.

I've been searching online, visiting lots, trying to make connections. I'm shocked at the price tags on used cars older than mine, with more miles. There is no way these junkers can outlast the loan payments. Leasing? Spending money on something I can't keep - and no pleasure in driving because I'll spend all my time at a 2nd job just to afford it.

Another job.... I just ended a decade of two jobs..... They say that if you work hard... The American dream. But it's not getting easier. And without my little car, no exploring, no adventures.

Secretly, I've always had a dream of owning a new car, maybe an Explorer or a nice Focus. For a brief moment, I thought maybe this was my chance. Instead, I feel like a loser because even a clunker is out of my reach. Two week shy of my 43rd birthday, and this is where I'm at.

What to do? I feel by the time I get past this ordeal I should earn a degree or diploma. Will I ever make the right decision? It's not like I have many options.... Luckily, I have family & friends around, helping with rides, in the meantime. I have a boyfriend who, also riderless, loves me, too, and understands my fears.

Today my brother & his wife took me to the Detroit Riverwalk on a short adventure. And, for awhile, I was able to forget and smile. I must stop focusing on what I've lost, and appreciate what I have. I hope soon I will be off on another adventure again.